fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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