I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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