my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
