You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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