Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
