Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
