I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
