wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
now i know why i became what i already was.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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