Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
