Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
