i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
