Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
