someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
