Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
