Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
