I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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