i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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