Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
