Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
