I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
