FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
