i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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