I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
