If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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