Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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