he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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