I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
