Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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