She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
