1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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