she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
