You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
