Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
