Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
