Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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