i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
