I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
