Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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