Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
