Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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