this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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