For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
