I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
