i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
