You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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