the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
