Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
