meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
