Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
