I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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