i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
